When I was growing up, my sister and I were at a park with a steep, grassy hill. We decided to climb to the top and roll down. I don’t remember much about it but the topsy-turvy, dizzy feeling of the world turning upside down, holding my stomach at the bottom of the hill, and laughing so hard we couldn’t stand!
What does stick with me though, is our mom telling us not to laugh so much or something bad would happen.
How did I eventually interpret this as an adult? Don’t be too happy or something bad will happen.
Does this resonate with you?
Lie No. 1: Too Much Happiness Causes Disaster
Taking this to the workplace, I always had an underlying dread of things going too well for me, because I didn’t want something bad to happen.
The power of this dread comes in large part because it’s unformed and not logical. The fear is like ghosts, phantoms that haunt me versus rational outcomes. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be too happy because unnamed bad things could happen.
Lie No. 2: It’s Better to Want Happiness than Money
We definitely don’t want to be greedy, or selfish. We don’t want to be ungrateful and unappreciative of what we have. But the idea of being thankful for what we have to the exclusion of not be able to want anything else can be damaging.
I get it. We were poor growing up. My clothes came from hand-me-downs. One afternoon, as my mom was having coffee with a neighbor, I told her about a girl in my class who wore a different dress every day. I asked why I couldn’t have more clothes, why that girl was able to have more. I was told that we didn’t have much money but we were rich in love.
That was my first lesson in choosing love (or happiness) over money. It’s a false choice, but it is dangerous. We feel guilty if we want more than what we have because we should be choosing to be happy with what we have. As we grow older, the messages become clearer.
“It’s not all about money.”
“Money’s not everything.”
A few years ago there was a study that the top reason employees leave a company is not for money. We have a 20% wage gap. The majority of women are burnt out and saying yes to more work at the expense of their own health and relationships.
The lie that it’s better to want happiness than money is doing its work pretty well, don’t you think? But even worse is that women aren’t feeling more fulfilled and inspired at work as a tradeoff for more money. They often struggle with self-doubt and the pressure to say yes to more work.
This false choice of happiness or money is creating neither.
Lie No. 3: Be Thankful for What You Have
Manners are good. Being polite and saying thank you is good. Gratitude and appreciation are good.
What isn’t good? When being thankful morphs from a societal norm to four walls that inhibit our voice and expression.
Have you been in a job interview or performance review and you receive the compensation or pay increase? Even if you wanted more, the automatic response is usually to say thank you. Perhaps inside you’re screaming that you deserve more, but outside you’re showing that you’re thankful.
The Answer to These Lies is Truth
The good news is awareness will help you start to dissolve these lies.
Truth No. 1: Your Well-Being Is Important and Happiness Creates Positive Outcomes
When you’re happy, your mind is more open to being creative and solving problems. You’re not focused on negative outcomes but are able to prioritize what’s important in your life.
Consider the opposite of happy, which is unhappy (or worse). An unhappy employee has troubled work relationships, negative effects on clients and customers, often spending more time gossiping and complaining. They feel stuck and unsure how to get out of their rut.
Fixing this mindset will take practice. When you notice this destructive “lie gremlin” coming into your conscious, stop and ask yourself:
- What is my mind telling me right now? If you can write it down, that’s even better. Sometimes seeing our old beliefs in black and white takes away their power.
- Then ask yourself if it is true? Do you have the power to make bad things happen as a result of being happy? If you’ve been used to thinking that this is indeed true, then remind yourself that you also have power to make good things happen.
Truth No. 2: A Happy and Healthy Life Can Have Both Happiness and Money
Money mindsets are very sneaky. We picked up our money influences from a young age, depending on what we were taught by our parents, school, church, and friends. Money is simply a medium of exchange. When we begin to assign a value of good or bad to it, we can obsess about it, whether we have it or not.
Sometimes people in poverty obsess about money more than someone with abundance.
The book that changed my money mindset is by Jen Sincero, “You Are a Badass at Making Money – Master the Mindset of Wealth”. Understanding how money can allow us to live the life we want, to be able to help others if we’d like to, to support our favorite non-profits or help family, we can begin to release our negative hold on money. Remember, money itself is not an enemy.
Take a few minutes to make a list of what a few thousand dollars more a year would do in your life. Maybe you could get some car repairs you’ve been putting off. Maybe it’s paying down a credit card balance. Taking a nice vacation that’s crossing something off your bucket list is a wonderful way to spend some extra money.
Now, double the amount. If you used $5,000 in the above example, think about adding $10,000. Start getting used to the idea. Be curious about the amount. What amount feels like too much? What amount of extra would freak you out? Just notice that, without judgement.
Truth No. 3: You Can Be Grateful and Strive For More
Imagine feeling grounded in gratitude while also remaining goal-oriented and ambitious.
Gratitude is considered a virtue, a way of showing respect and acknowledgment for the effort, opportunities, or resources that have been provided. An unhealthy mindset will tell you that if you want more, you’re greedy and unappreciative. A healthy mindset understands that appreciation for the present and a desire for future growth can coexist harmoniously.
Each day, express gratitude for what you’re thankful for in your life. This can be gratitude for the big things, like your family or your home. Other things like having a perfect cup of coffee or a sunrise are equally beneficial.
Next, review your goals. Looking at what you want to add to your life while in your gratitude frame of mind is a beautiful bridge from the present to the future. You might even find that you’re more creative at the end of this process.
When we’re young and at the mercy of many influences, it’s hard to be discerning about what is true or simply someone’s perspective. We will probably never identify all of the cultural and social conditioning we received. But those biases that affect us now as adults, especially in the workplace, deserve some attention.
You are worthy of being compensated as a reflection of your unique talents and contributions. Having goals for your life and career, bucket lists and dreams, are all part of your vision. You deserve to receive abundance and to live a life of joy, receiving, and giving.
Do any of these speak more loudly to you? Maybe you learned other money or happiness mindset biases. I’d love to hear from you and learn more.
Fantastic article and lots of great advice!