Forgiving and being forgiven brings us full circle – blurred visions of our wrongdoings and being wronged fly by like holding tight to a merry-go-round. If it’s true that to err is human and to forgive, divine, then lately, I have been on both ends of the forgiveness spectrum.
Someone I know on a professional level recently unloaded on me. It came completely out of the blue, although perhaps not wholly unexpected because it has happened before. I spent the next two days fighting off tears, or if I had to succumb, sitting somewhere alone, crying. Even though reasonably, I knew that I didn’t deserve it, I wasn’t strong enough to just ignore it. How happy I would have been just to say “I’m Teflon, you’re glue, what you say bounces off me and sticks to you!” and walk away. It didn’t happen. (Maybe next time, though …)
Our paths don’t cross very often, but I still feel like I’m in “Shields Up – Phasers on Stun!” mode. Is it possible to forgive and then keep my shield up? Do I have to make myself vulnerable again?
Sometimes I’ve held on to my pain as the only way to keep the other person near. If all I have left is this pain – a broken heart or hurt feelings – once I forgive, they will be completely gone. It’s almost a sentimental memento, the last reminder of a failed relationship. I will never move on until I can finally let go, even if means that I’ll be completely alone. But there is no companionship in toxic memories.
Then there’s the pain of being on the wrong end of self-righteousness, as the unfortunate recipient of someone who is more superior in some way and wants to set me straight. A few years ago I filed for divorce. It wasn’t a decision without prayer, tears, agony. I have to believe that anyone in this type of situation already feels isolated and abandoned, but I also had several friends who let me know that they could no longer consider me a friend, due to my lack of faith that God would overcome my marriage issues. Perhaps on the outside looking in, you could say that they weren’t good friends to begin with, but they were. It was a loss in the middle of other losses. I moved on, literally leaving the state behind as I moved to Michigan … and leaving those wounds behind. Kind of.
I recently contacted one of these former friends. In a sweet, honest way she asked me to forgive her. She has recently been divorced, and understands in a new way that divorce happens privately between two people. Ironic, perhaps, but it is a case of coming full circle. I have forgiven her and look forward to renewing our friendship. Why? Because I have been in her shoes – judging “rightly” by a high standard, and feeling that it was my duty to let another know the error of their ways. I pray now that I will be able to keep my mouth shut and my mind open. Even if we feel that we know best, God alone knows what our futures hold, and we may find ourselves in the same situation we once rebuked.
Good lessons are often learned the hard way. When I’ve held onto pain and unforgiveness, the bitterness in my heart spread into my limbs and out into my life. Invisible – bitterness became a hot coal that burned inside me. No matter where I went, my unforgiving heart was on a long chain that bound me to the person I needed to forgive.
Forgiveness is love.
when i contracted cancer my brother’s first question was whether i had some grudge, some instance of a failure to forgive. I didn’t, but he had good reason to ask.
Jonathan Edwards wrote a look on love (i cor 13) where he made the point that love gives the other every benefit of every doubt. it’s easy to find offense I suppose that if you find offense more, you need to forgive more.
To your final point, love may make most forgiveness unnecessary.
Also, man is this really hard to do!!
This is one I may need to print out. Xoxo